What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
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