I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
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