What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
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