"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
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