What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Go to BabaMail
