Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
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