What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
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