My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
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