I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
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