What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
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