The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
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