How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
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