What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
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