A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
To get to the other tide.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
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