I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
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