What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
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