If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
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