What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
What is the study of real estate? Homology
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
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