My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
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