What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
Ah! The element of surprise.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
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