Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
The sun is just a big space heater.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
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