What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
The superconductor left without resistance.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
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