Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
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