What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
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