In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
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