When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
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