What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
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