I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
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