Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
Funny chemistry puns always get a good reaction.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
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