The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
To get to the other tide.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
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