I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
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