I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Air resistance is a real drag.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
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