I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
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