What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
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