What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
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