Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
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