When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
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