Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
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