Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
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