How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
What is the study of real estate? Homology
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
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