In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”