Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
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