Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
That boy narrated his-story really well.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
What is the study of real estate? Homology
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