What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
Ah! The element of surprise.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
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