My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
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