Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
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