My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
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