What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
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