hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
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