What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
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