Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
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