What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
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