What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
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