If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
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