I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
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