What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
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