I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
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