What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
To get to the other tide.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
The sun is just a big space heater.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
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