A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
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