Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
The superconductor left without resistance.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
Biology - It grows on you.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
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