A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
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