What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
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