It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
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