Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
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